I Have Not Stepped On a Scale Since I Was Pregnant

Dean turned 2 in March. It seems so long ago that I was bursting at the seems with my little guy. The day I found out I was pregnant I put away my scale. Obviously I was going to gain weight but I didn't want that to become something I focused on. There were so many wonderful and exciting things to put my energy into, I didn't want weight to become a source of negative energy. I even told my midwife that I didn't want to know my weight, or how many pounds I gained, unless she was concerned about it. All she ever told me was that I "looked good" so I'll take that as it was a healthy weight.

To this day I have no idea how much weight I gained or what my final weigh in was. I can't even tell you what size pants I wore because I only wore maternity pants with the belly bands built in. It wasn't until right around this last Thanksgiving, that I started wearing my "normal" pants again. (The maternity leggings I won't give up because they are so comfy.) They fit my new body kind of weird but they get the job done.

While I have an idea about how much I weigh now, I can honestly say I don't care to know. It's just a number and that doesn't mean much to me. Right now I am just going by how I feel, and I'm starting to feel good. There was a point last week where I actually felt sexy. Friends, I don't know the last time I felt genuinely sexy. Aaron tells me I'm "sexy" and "smokin' hot" but these aren't words that I would have used (in the last 2+ years) to describe myself. All this time I've settled with "cute" or "ok-sure-whatever". It felt GOOD to feel sexy.

There are days, though, when my thoughts are very far from positive. Those days I try not to focus on it. Instead I'll wear as much black as possible, pick a different feature (eye, hair) & focus on that, or put heels on and say "fake it til you make it, Sarah!". This works most of the time.

My point is, my goal weight isn't a weight at all, but me feeling content with myself. It's about looking in the mirror and smiling at what I see. It doesn't matter to me if that means I'm bigger, smaller, or about the same as before. My body shape has changed (my waist and boobs say hi). Instead of changing the size of my waist line, I am working toward changing my outlook of myself.

This mama has stretch marks, rolls, cellulite, dull skin, and is overall slightly more round, but these things aren't terrible. They are all visible signs of what I have done in my life- not just my pregnancy (but mostly my pregnancy). Aaron finds my body sexy- so should I.

What sort of things do you do to help keep a positive body image post-baby? I would love to hear from you other mama's out there!

Growing Pains or We're Going To Need A Bigger Boat

I have a vivid memory when I was 5 or 6 and waking up crying because I was hurting. No place in particular and all over at the same time. I remember my mom giving me a hug and tucking me back into bed saying "It's just growing pains. It will pass." My son is having his own growing pains and his cries remind me of that memory. I hold him, and rock him, and whisper "It will pass, my Love". My heart hurts for him, but I know it really will pass.

Now that I am all "grown up" I thought my time for growth was done. Physically this is true- I will never be taller than my current 5 foot 4 self. On the inside, though, I'm suddenly feeling new pains. My head and my heart are both experiencing unexpected growth and change.

The amount of love I have for my husband and son makes my heart swell, and every day I feel it get larger. It's crazy because I didn't think I could feel any more love for these two than I already do. Sometimes the feeling is so strong that my heart will seize up, a lump will fill my throat, and I'll be on the verge of tears. The power of love is staggering.

My expanding heart is not the only thing that brings me to tears lately. There is a part of me that feels suddenly lost. The person who I see in the mirror isn't always reflecting the person I feel inside. My brain is struggling with reconciling the gal I am (mama in her 30's), the gal I feel I should be (the cute young gal who runs a video game store), and the gal I want to be (both). That probably sounds nonsensical. I'm not sure I can properly express the disconnect or the anxiety it makes me feel.

An example would be me struggling to get dressed each morning. While I want to wear super nerdy shirts and look relate-able at work, my personal style is changing to be more chill. Ultimately it is my store and I can wear whatever I want (and I do). I feel like I have spent the last five years building a persona at the store and I'm scared to change it. What if I don't stand out or people don't take me seriously? Where is the happy medium? Is there a happy medium?

I feel like I have a lot more growing to do to make room for this new me, whoever she is and however she is dressed. She will have taken taken bits from all the conflicting parts and turned it into a great big ball of contentment and confidence. So a lot of room, a lot of growth, is needed. In the mean time I will hurt, but it will pass.

Things I've Learned In My Two Years of Being a Parent

What can I say about time and kids that doesn't sound dumb and cliche? Nothing that hasn't been said before, so all I'll say is: GAH! TWO YEARS! That baby I gave birth to isn't a baby anymore, but a walking talking bundle of energy that doesn't nap and has learned that how to open & close doors. Which, by the way, is terrifying.

Since his birthday I have had the chance to reflect on all the things that have changed. Not just basic things like his height or weight, but the less noticeable things. Things like:

- I'm not surprised or upset when I'm at work and find snot, avocado, and juice on my clothes.

- Dry shampoo and Downy Wrinkler Releaser are the two most used items in my house.

- My little independent spirit just isn't going to want to snuggle when I want to snuggle (or ever) and that is okay.

- Sometimes the plain no-seam nylon panties are just as sexy as the lacy satin panties.

- Spoiling my appetite with Girl Scout cookies while cooking the family dinner is totally a thing that happens.

Most of all I am in awe with the amount of love I have for this sweet boy. Honestly I have no idea how he fills my hearts up more each day. There are times my breath catches in my chest and my heart clinches and stops, and I am almost completely overwhelmed. It is a scary and wonderful feeling. One I look forward to feeling again and again as he keeps growing.

Dean's Tractor & Bus Felt Book Progress

"Kids grow out of things so fast, they'll be on to the next toy before you know it," my parents said to me a few months ago. I was telling them how much I loved that Dean couldn't be separated from "Tractor" and "Bus"."Enjoy it while it lasts," they said. Dean had spent so many months unable to be separated from Tractor and Bus, I didn't think he'd out grow them. I still have my all time favorite doll, so I expect my son to have inherited the same devotion to his toys. Is that crazy of me to think?

Over the last little while he's become interested in other toys, like Thomas the Train and construction vehicles. He still plays with Tractor and Bus but his attention is divided with other toys. It hurts my little-mama-heart to see him growing up and playing with other toys. That's such a silly thing to say, but it's true. Why can't he just stay my little guy and need Tractor and Bus for everything forever?

If you follow me on Instagram you've seen pictures of the felt book popping up. It's slow going and very tedious. Definitely taking longer than I'd like. I really really really don't want Dean to have outgrown it by the time I finish it. More than likely he won't because he still plays with the one Auntie Kinner made him.

After weeks and weeks on working on it, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm currently working on the last page, then I'll stitch all the pages together and bind it. Looking forward to spending time tonight working on it and I might be able to finish it by this weekend. The anticipation gives my heart palpitations!

How I'm Coping With My Toddler Weaning Himself Off Of Naps

It's hard to believe Dean will be two years old in March. My little baby is no longer a baby but a full-blown little man who runs around all day, playing, dancing, talking, and has even started to sing a little bit. He has a strong will of what he wants to do, when he's going to do it, who he's going to do it with, and where it is going to happen. Is that common for toddlers?

My parents often talk about how "busy" he is. He is always doing something. If he's not playing trucks, he's playing trains, blocks, ball, sweeping, vacuuming, reading books, telling stories to his stuffed animals, running around, eating, or any number of other things... that are not sleeping. Over the last few months he has weaned himself almost completely off naps. For some reason I pictured him napping once a day for another year or so. I'm not quite ready for this change.

Nap time was the time I set aside for myself to work out and catch up on a few things that were easiest to do when Dean isn't around. For the last year I was able to do Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred dvd two to three times a week. I'm not trying to get shredded, no no no, but I want to build a bit of muscle and loose that stubborn tummy of mine. Now that Dean has stopped napping I'm finding it hard to work that 20 minutes elsewhere into my day. I would do it while he's awake but his love for playing with weights is not helpful to my workout routine.

Luckily the lack of naps don't effect him much. He's not often cranky. I think it's because he gets about 10-12 hours of sleep a night. (The last few nights it's been 14 hours, which leads me to think there's a growth spurt in the future.) There is a point everyday in the afternoon where he does slow down and he'll zone out watching an episode of Thomas the Train or Daniel Tiger, and then he's back up and running again. I figure as long as he doesn't get nasty there's no need to have him nap. That being said, I've now lost the time I used for certain things.

The day I took these pictures we went to two parks in hopes I could wear him out enough to take a nap. We left the second park more energized than when we arrived, I'm sure of it! I was so bummed that day because I had put off a few things that week and was just waiting for him to nap so I could get them done. That day I learned I can't rely on nap time any more and I need to start figuring out a way to get stuff done (especially working out). Laundry, which is difficult because he is the Destroyer of Piles, I now either pile up on the bed and do it before bed with Aaron's help, or I'll put the baby gate up in the hallway and sit on the floor on one side and do it while he's playing toys on the other. Crafting I push back until he's in bed for the night.

Over the last few weeks I've been showing signs of Postpartum Distress, which are making this transition more difficult than I'd like. Things as simple as me showering, getting ready in the morning, and running errands are now incredibly stressful. My body deals with these high levels of anxiety by detaching myself from the situation and slowing me down, almost paralyzing me. Aaron and I are working together to get me through this, and his support has been wonderful. He helps me fold laundry or plays with Dean when he gets home from work so I can have "me" time or do whatever I needed to do without a toddler underfoot.

One good thing to come out of Dean's lack of naps is he wants to cuddle with me in the morning. He has never been a cuddler, but for some reason he wants to sit on my lap in the morning while he watches his morning episode of "Thomas and Friends" of "Daniel Tiger". I don't care how starving I am in the morning, I will sit there with him leaning against me as long as he sits there. Yesterday he even put his arm across my body while he was sitting with me. I teared up because he just doesn't do that. I guess I can handle getting less work done if that means I can cuddle with my baby. I gotta stop calling him my "baby". He's not a baby anymore. But he will forever be my baby so I can't help it.

Do you mama's have any advice or ideas on how to get things done with a little one running around. How do you keep them from getting into your work? What are your best tricks?