I Have Not Stepped On a Scale Since I Was Pregnant

Dean turned 2 in March. It seems so long ago that I was bursting at the seems with my little guy. The day I found out I was pregnant I put away my scale. Obviously I was going to gain weight but I didn't want that to become something I focused on. There were so many wonderful and exciting things to put my energy into, I didn't want weight to become a source of negative energy. I even told my midwife that I didn't want to know my weight, or how many pounds I gained, unless she was concerned about it. All she ever told me was that I "looked good" so I'll take that as it was a healthy weight.

To this day I have no idea how much weight I gained or what my final weigh in was. I can't even tell you what size pants I wore because I only wore maternity pants with the belly bands built in. It wasn't until right around this last Thanksgiving, that I started wearing my "normal" pants again. (The maternity leggings I won't give up because they are so comfy.) They fit my new body kind of weird but they get the job done.

While I have an idea about how much I weigh now, I can honestly say I don't care to know. It's just a number and that doesn't mean much to me. Right now I am just going by how I feel, and I'm starting to feel good. There was a point last week where I actually felt sexy. Friends, I don't know the last time I felt genuinely sexy. Aaron tells me I'm "sexy" and "smokin' hot" but these aren't words that I would have used (in the last 2+ years) to describe myself. All this time I've settled with "cute" or "ok-sure-whatever". It felt GOOD to feel sexy.

There are days, though, when my thoughts are very far from positive. Those days I try not to focus on it. Instead I'll wear as much black as possible, pick a different feature (eye, hair) & focus on that, or put heels on and say "fake it til you make it, Sarah!". This works most of the time.

My point is, my goal weight isn't a weight at all, but me feeling content with myself. It's about looking in the mirror and smiling at what I see. It doesn't matter to me if that means I'm bigger, smaller, or about the same as before. My body shape has changed (my waist and boobs say hi). Instead of changing the size of my waist line, I am working toward changing my outlook of myself.

This mama has stretch marks, rolls, cellulite, dull skin, and is overall slightly more round, but these things aren't terrible. They are all visible signs of what I have done in my life- not just my pregnancy (but mostly my pregnancy). Aaron finds my body sexy- so should I.

What sort of things do you do to help keep a positive body image post-baby? I would love to hear from you other mama's out there!

Growing Pains or We're Going To Need A Bigger Boat

I have a vivid memory when I was 5 or 6 and waking up crying because I was hurting. No place in particular and all over at the same time. I remember my mom giving me a hug and tucking me back into bed saying "It's just growing pains. It will pass." My son is having his own growing pains and his cries remind me of that memory. I hold him, and rock him, and whisper "It will pass, my Love". My heart hurts for him, but I know it really will pass.

Now that I am all "grown up" I thought my time for growth was done. Physically this is true- I will never be taller than my current 5 foot 4 self. On the inside, though, I'm suddenly feeling new pains. My head and my heart are both experiencing unexpected growth and change.

The amount of love I have for my husband and son makes my heart swell, and every day I feel it get larger. It's crazy because I didn't think I could feel any more love for these two than I already do. Sometimes the feeling is so strong that my heart will seize up, a lump will fill my throat, and I'll be on the verge of tears. The power of love is staggering.

My expanding heart is not the only thing that brings me to tears lately. There is a part of me that feels suddenly lost. The person who I see in the mirror isn't always reflecting the person I feel inside. My brain is struggling with reconciling the gal I am (mama in her 30's), the gal I feel I should be (the cute young gal who runs a video game store), and the gal I want to be (both). That probably sounds nonsensical. I'm not sure I can properly express the disconnect or the anxiety it makes me feel.

An example would be me struggling to get dressed each morning. While I want to wear super nerdy shirts and look relate-able at work, my personal style is changing to be more chill. Ultimately it is my store and I can wear whatever I want (and I do). I feel like I have spent the last five years building a persona at the store and I'm scared to change it. What if I don't stand out or people don't take me seriously? Where is the happy medium? Is there a happy medium?

I feel like I have a lot more growing to do to make room for this new me, whoever she is and however she is dressed. She will have taken taken bits from all the conflicting parts and turned it into a great big ball of contentment and confidence. So a lot of room, a lot of growth, is needed. In the mean time I will hurt, but it will pass.

Fabulous 2015

This year is coming to a close, and man oh man, am I excited it's over. Before I ring the new year in I want to do a quick little post about my Word of the Year: FABULOUS.

My little family is growing fabulously. Look at those two guys~ so cute!!

I made awesome new friends from the store~ some of which I spend a good amount of time outside the store, made friends with a new neighbor who has kids around Dean's age, dropped a fair amount of baby weight, and have pretty much perfected my morning routine (6-8 mins on hair and maybe 10 mins on makeup, depending on if the eyeliner is behaving).  We got a van which I love.  It has 16 cupholders, which is rediculous and awesome.  It also has remite controlled doors which are so incredibly handy with the little guy.

Not much has happened around the blog lately but maybe that'll change next year.  Until next time~~ HAPPY NEW YEAR FRIENDS! ♪（ｖ＾＿＾）ｖ♥

Mama's I Have To Tell You Something - You Are Doing Great

I could tell you this to your face, but you're not here. You're at your house, or in your car, at t-ball practice, waiting in line at the grocery store, at work, or any number of other places.

I'm going to write this down for you to read because the baby is sleeping so we should be quiet, or you're away from your computer, on the phone, running after the kid(s), probably doing lots of things at once, and I really just want to get my words right.

You are doing great.



Let me repeat that. You are doing great.

I mean it. You are doing a fantastic job. You are a great mama to your baby/babies. I don't know when it was the last time you heard that (hopefully recently), but I really want you to know that truth.

That truth that whatever it is you are doing, you're doing a fine job at it. You are doing your best. Raising kids is hard. You are giving it everything you've got and doing it with all your heart. These precious little guys don't come with a manual, and each one is different, so really a manual probably wouldn't do much good, haha!

Don't worry if you turned Jake and the Neverland Pirates or Octonauts on for a while just so you could get some work done. You are not ignoring your baby. It's ok if you closed the door when you went to the bathroom, or let baby cry in the crib for a few extra minutes. It's acceptable to want (and have) a few minutes alone to breathe. Don't worry that you bought another container of Gerber Cheese Puffs so the little guy could make it through Target without fussing, or gave in to another nursing session. You are doing just fine, your baby is just fine, and you both are going to be fine.

Us mama's are told we should raise our kids are certain way, discipline them a certain way, when to stop nursing, how much weight we should have lost already, what foods we and our kids should be eating, what we should be doing with every minute of our day. We're told this from so many different people, from so many different directions, before we know it, we start questioning our decisions and our ability to be a good mother and to do a good job raising our kiddo's. I don't like having to question every decision I make. I want to be confident in myself and to know that certain things work for me and my family, and that makes it ok. I want you to have confidence too!

We can only really do what we are able to do, and we do that with every ounce of love, every fiber in our being. That is good enough.

What works for some people might not work for you, or for me. It might take a while, and multiple tries, but we'll figure out what does work eventually. If nursing a few extra months works for you, then do it. If letting your baby "cry-it-out" isn't working for you, don't do it. Did you put the baby-gate up in the bathroom to contain the babe while you did your hair and makeup this morning? Cool, I did too. It worked and I feel pretty darn good about myself today. Hopefully you do as well.

If you are struggling know you are not alone. I am here, as well as lots of other mama's who are going through (or have gone through) the same thing. Let's come together as mama's to support each other when things get cray-cray. I'm not here to judge, just love. So keep up the great work, mama. I love you.

P.S. You should 100% absolutely buy those shorts you've been eyeing. It's summertime and it's hot, and don't you dare think you shouldn't buy them because you don't think you'll look good in them. My dear, you will rock those shorts! And if some idiot thinks otherwise, they are an I D I O T so don't you worry about them. Also, YOU WILL ROCK THEM!

Body Issues

Body image rant incoming, so please skip this if you don't want to read about this mama's body issues.  I won't be offended if you peace out, promise.

First off, know that before I go into this rant, I am, at the end of the day, fine with my body. Right now my body is in the shape it is in because I had a baby. Currently my baby is not interested in solid so everything he needs he's getting from me. The most important thing is Dean's health, so if that means I have some extra weight on me so be it. My body is helping his little body grow. My rational self knows that everything is really ok, it's just that my emotional self was pretty bummed.

Today was rough. I'm pretty sure I lived a day within the first two hours of Aaron being gone at work. Nothing too terrible happened, just lots of little things that added up. Me and Dean weren't on the same page which made this morning difficult. It took me four hours to eat breakfast, shower, and get dressed. This has never happened before and stressed me out so I didn't have a great attitude going into getting dressed.

And by not having a great attitude, I mean my brain decided it was going to see an extra 20 pounds on my tummy, which made me hate everything I wore. I felt that everything I put on drew attention to my belly. There might as well have been big neon arrows pointing to my midsection. Melodramatic, I know, but this is how I felt.

See that thing poking out right below my belly button area?  That's the button of my pants.  It sticks out because I use hair ties to secure my pants close.  (My belly area is two pants sizes larger than my hips and waist~ talk about awkward.)  I feel like the button draws attention to my belly, which is embarrassing. I can't leave my pants unbuttoned and unzipped, and belly bands squeeze too tight, so this is what I do. Whatever works, right?

I asked Aaron to take those pictures of me so I could remember what I looked like and how I felt about myself at the end of the the day. I asked him to do this because I ended up feeling fine about how my body looked in my clothes. It's really not that bad. And I'm sure no one even noticed my button, let alone cared. I want to remember this. Despite all my wallowing and melodrama, my body is just fine the way it is.

So why was I being so hard on myself?  I don't know.  Maybe it's hormones.  Maybe I'm just being impatient to see results from all the working out I've done this month. While I am starting to feel results from working out, it is going to take a little while before I start to see the results I want to see. I need to be ok with that. And I am, I just need to remember to be patient.

Life is too short to get too wrapped up in worrying about my tummy. In all honesty, I'd rather spend that time and energy with Aaron and Dean. They make me so happy, and I want to give them the best ME. I can't do that when I'm wallowing. I will be strong for them. Like Hulk Hogan and (pretend) 24 inch "pythons" strong.